Monday, October 4, 2010

her unravel

Clearly I have an issue, but for the past five years I haven't seem to be able to figure it out. Everytime I sit to blog, my thoughts just play around with eachother and I loose focus of exactly what I started out trying to unravel. Most days when I'm sitting at work pondering, I tend to cross many boundaries depending on my feelings.

I honestly think I'm dealing with my quarter-life crisis. Perhaps it's a good think that I'm dealing with it 2 years in advance, hopefully by then I'll be able to be more at peace with myself.

I'm unhappy on so many different levels.
1. Love Life - I can't seem to find a balance with dating. I don't understand the concept of juggling several men all at once. I find myself to be too ridiculously honest, and it could be quite unattractive to many. I also attract the wrong type of men, and I too am guilty of picking them. I am ready for something serious, and perhaps something that could lead to marriage, but most men would say that they are definitely not into girls who rush into things. Am i really rushing things if I keep pushing for a label to everything? Oh boy, this goes on to show how much I have to learn about the "dating game". It's seriously a game, and whoever says it's NOT is in denial. God, it's tiring, and all i want is to be loved. Fine! I don't understand when my girlfriends tell me "If he really was into you, he would've made you his" then to hear the guy I'm seeing say "If we rush into anything it would ruin everything" So, who am I to believe? Is he not into me or is he so into me he wants it to be perfect? See what I mean, when I say it's so stressful?

2. Career - Where to begin? I need more passion in this area, perhaps a push to jump.

I find this to be the most unattractive feature in any person. Jealousy definitely wears me down. I can't stand any guy who's constantly suspisious of my action. It really drains me when the relationship no longer has any trust. It becomes valueless and no one is happy. When my actions are being question constantly, I no longer feel like I am capable of doing anything on my own. It takes a lot to loose me, and the fastest way is to not trust me. I want a person who is confident enough to love me with all his heart and be selfless. When he is able to love without requiring anything in return and is able to get hurt regardless, that is when I give him my all. If he chooses to love selfishly, I too will no longer feel the need to give myself whole-heartedly. I could love someone with all my heart, suffocate them with my love, and then require massive amount of space so that we will forever have to work on courting eachother in a comforting way. There is no need to suffocate eachother at all times, if one person changes their feelings for you, there really is nothing you can do to get them to love you again. No need to bother--no need to fight, you just have to give it time to figure itself out. I love "love" when it doesn't boost. =)

1 comment:

  1. I totally agree with this. Men are confusing >.<
    But good luck with everything! You deserve only the best